What are the most common reasons kids hate school? And how do you help them make school a more positive experience?
With the calendar flipping to August, in Florida that means a new school year is upon us. For some students, a new school year spells excitement and anticipation, along with back-to-school-shopping, a fresh haircut, and new sneakers.
For other kids, the words back-to-school conjure something else: dread, anxiety, disgust, and what they view as a steady supply of endless assignments. These children hate school. Many of these kids have built up scar tissue, even elementary aged ones, from a variety of traumas: academic failures, social insecurity, and a perceived curriculum disconnected from the real world, just to name a few.
If your child is dreading the new school year, there are some tangible steps parents can take to help their child better prepare, learn to tolerate, and even thrive in school.
Read on to learn how!
Pinpoint the reason your child hates school
“I hate school” typically is the tip of the iceberg, and parents must look beneath the surface to learn what is causing this dilemma. It is critically important that you tell the child you love them and that you will figure this out together. This is not something for the child to “just get over” or to “deal with.” Validating their feelings and building a team approach to this will allow your child to be a willing participant in this discovering and rectifying process.4
As the Child Mind Institute states, it is rarely an act of defiance. Undoubtedly there is a deeper reason for the contempt. Children often lack the vocabulary or proper language to share their emotions, so validate their feelings and try to discover the root cause. Help label their feelings. It sounds like you are anxious or I sense you are feeling misunderstood. Work with your child to define the exact reason or reasons for the dislike of school.
Six common reasons children loath school
Academic or learning challenge – in one specific subject or perhaps they are not challenged enough. Curriculum and lessons can seem like they are moving way too fast to learn. The lessons feel like a series of sprinting cheetahs and are simply too quick to catch. Or, for other students, the instruction and content may move way too slowly, like a tortoise with four bad knees that will never make it across the road. Either option is frustrating!
Social or bullying – some kids have a hard time making friends and simply feel disconnected and lonely during the school day. Or, perhaps there is bullying behavior occurring and your child feels frightened and/or threatened.
Anxiety – can have different root causes. Some kids still feel nervous when they separate from their parents. Sometimes sensory overload can occur. Classrooms, hallways, cafeterias, playgrounds, and other areas on the school campus can feel overwhelming to some children.
Sitting for (what seems like) hours at a time – can be challenging for some students, especially those with ADHD. Some kids literally feel like a caged animal, having to sit still for hours at a time. And it seems like recess and PE, critically important to many students, are being reduced and or removed in schools.
Perceived disconnect from “real life” – do not see how the subjects taught will ever benefit them in the future. Typically this manifests with older students – middle and high school aged. You will probably hear the refrain, When will I ever use this? in a very dramatic tone.
Some students receive “heavy workloads” – which could include finishing a class assignment at home and/or assigned homework. When excessive school work bleeds into the home, the normally “safe” environment now becomes just an extension of school and feels like a never ending loop of frustration.
How to help your child enjoy school
Now that we have pinpointed some of the most common reasons kids hate school, let’s take them one at a time on how to remedy the situation(s):
Academic or learning challenge – If your child acknowledges he struggles in a particular subject, consult with his teacher to gain more clarity. Perhaps the teacher can offer some resources for extra practice. If the teacher declares your child is “far behind” or “simply not grasping the concepts,” perhaps consulting with a tutor or Learning Specialist, who is an expert at instructing in the subject your child is currently struggling in, could offer your child another opportunity or method to learn the material. Of course pursuing academic testing – either at school or with a private educational psychologist – could offer some answers too.
Conversely, if your child is bored and truly understands all the material, ask the teacher for enrichment opportunities. Often times these activities and resources can feel like just extra work, so encourage your child to be part of the discussion (and practice their self-advocacy skills) and to plan out a unit of learning they would truly be excited about.
Social issues and/or bullying – First, and most importantly, tell your child that the bullying is not their fault. Next, try to get as many details as possible. Who exactly is bullying? Where does this happen? In the classroom? Cafeteria? Playground? Once you get a clear picture, contact your child’s teacher and share what you have learned. Continue to document each and every incident. Finally, learn your child’s school’s anti-bullying policy, as this can help inform your next steps.
To help your child deal with the bully, have them role play at home, practicing telling the bully to stop using a firm tone. Encouraging your child to ignore the bully can be effective too, as the bully may be looking for a reaction, and when not receiving one may move on to someone else. Yet another strategy is to encourage your child to be part of a group of friends, especially on the playground. There truly is power in numbers! Bullies are less likely to engage when groups are present. Finally, establish an adult ally at school your child can turn to. If not the classroom teacher, perhaps it could be the PE teacher, guidance counselor or librarian.
Anxiety or separation issues – Children all the way up to high school age can experience separation anxiety, especially neurodivergent children. Depending on the level of anxiety, a good first step is to teach breathing techniques, which are proven to reduce anxiety. A simple one is called the Box Breath, where you breathe in for four seconds, hold it for four seconds, breathe out for four seconds, then hold for four seconds. Repeat several times. Another simple strategy is to allow your child to bring a small comfort object from home – such as a small stuffed animal or a small smooth “worry stone” – and keep it with them during the day. Yet another good strategy is to create a schedule for the day on an index card so your child knows exactly what each step of the day will look like. Finally, share this information with your child’s teacher(s) so they can be aware and offer help as needed.
Sitting for extended periods of time – A good place to start is the seat itself. There are flexible seating options such as a standing desk, an exercise ball, and a cushion that sits on a typical chair. Another good strategy for active kids is a fidget tool. These can be small squeezable balls or some other small tool. Perhaps most importantly is ensuring your child has movement breaks. Even if they are just allowed to walk the back of the classroom for a minute or two. Finally, make sure your child is getting enough exercise outside of school.
Perceived disconnect from real life – Connect their current classes with a real world example. Does your child like money? Plotting an equation on the coordinate graph in algebra class could be a model of a stock’s performance over time. Or, if they are reading a novel in English, point out how studying characters’ motivations will help them develop an awareness of multiple views of a situation. Many real word situations are not black and white; they tend to be more nuanced, and reading fiction can help develop that critical life skill. While intrinsic motivation is typically best, sometimes a child needs external motivation. Develop a contract with your child that rewards them for performance. Perhaps there is something they are willing to work for?
Heavy school workloads – Depending on what type of school your child attends, some classes can pile on the work: class assignments, discussion posts, homework, essays, and test preparation. Start with a structured after school routine. It should include a short break, a snack, movement, and homework time. Repeat short breaks as needed. If your child never seems to finish the assignments, contact the classroom teacher and ask for clarification about how long an assignment ought to take. Sometimes misery loves company, so simply offering to sit with your child – known as body doubling – while they complete the assignment can be effective. Finally, introduce a timer as a game. Have your child estimate how long an assignment should take, then set the timer for that amount and challenge your child to finish the assignment before the timer goes off.
Final thoughts
With the next school year upon us, not all children are thrilled to return to the classroom. In fact, many downright dislike school! If you are the parent of one of these kids, first determine the reason or reasons for the aversion. Then attack the issue with strategies that are proven to work.
Remember: There are many school choices now, not just the traditional brick and mortar, 5 days a week, 7 hours a day school. Virtual schools – both offering synchronous and asynchronous options, hybrid schools like North Park Learning Group that offer flexible scheduling, and private schools are all excellent alternative options. Scholarships exist to fund those education options, too.
If your child dislikes school and you are not sure how to help, please contact Jennifer Disch at Engage the Brain to set up a discovery phone call to learn about educational options and strategies available for your child.