Not sure what to get your child this Christmas? Give them the gift of failure. Research really backs this up.

This holiday season, we suggest you wrap up a new approach to parenting and give the gift of failure to your child. Why on earth would a parent do that?! A popular saying states that calm seas make poor sailors. That same sentiment could be extended to parenting, in that parents who refuse to allow their child to fail will never develop the proper skill set to handle adversity, when it inevitably arrives in the child’s life.

Parents, take a hard look in the mirror and reflect on your parenting style. Do you question teachers when your child receives/earns a low grade on a test or assignment? Do you help too much or even complete homework assignments? How about other areas of your child’s life? Most importantly, what message are you sending to your child? Is it unconditional love, or something more nefarious?

Why allowing failure is okay and actually encouraged

A Child Mind Institute study found that kids who were shielded from failure or were taught it is not acceptable were more likely to develop depression and anxiety later in life. Without realizing it, you are communicating a sense of hopelessness, that you cannot do this. 

Some parents adopt the mindset of tomorrow I will step back and let my child do _______. But tomorrow arrives and they still overprotect and bulldoze real and imagined obstacles. This ultimately leads to the psychiatric term enmeshment, which defines as a relationship dynamic where people’s personal boundaries are unclear, leading to a reduced sense of self and autonomy, according to New Haven Healing Families. This, unfortunately, yields unhappy parents and “failure-to-launch” kids who move back in with their parents after college when rough seas churn.

Many parents wrongly – but understandably – believe that a child’s failure is a reflection of themselves and their parenting ability. This has become increasingly difficult due, in part, to social media, with some parents posting ideal versions of their children happily accepting their scholarship offer from Harvard. Nobody posts on Instagram the F their 3rd grader received on the Friday spelling test! 

Remember that the word Fail = First attempt in learning.

What failure teaches

Thomas Edison famously failed 10,000 times to create a working light bulb. What if he gave up? I would be typing this by candlelight, but I digress! Seriously, failure teaches kids so much, including how to:

• Develop resiliency This is a skill that can be learned, a muscle that can be developed. Anecdotally, Engage the Brain sees many students who simply give up when a task becomes challenging. These students are “wounded learners,” and need opportunities to develop resiliency.

• Create self-efficacy Simply put this means developing a sense of competency, that a child believes he can complete a task. A child needs chances to demonstrate that he can successfully write a paragraph or change a bicycle tire. Out of failure comes creativity and a determination to try again.

• Learn to self-soothe and self-regulate When confronted with frustration and stress, some children melt down, especially those kids with thinking and learning differences. Children must be given the opportunities to experience disappointment and then coached and supported. Perhaps a breathing technique can be introduced or a brisk walk suggested to allow time to cool off.

• First hand experience There is no substitute for hands-on experience, no matter what the task. A child that has tried something and failed is light years ahead of the kid that has been sheltered and had everything handed to her. 

• Develop a growth mindset Adopting this attitude allows a person to grow and improve with effort and intention. A child with a growth mindset believes they control their ability to succeed through hard work and dedication.

What to do when your child fails

In the Time Magazine article How I Learned to Let My Kid Fail, it puts forth two important conditions. Failing is only productive when two things are true: first, the person who fails actually learns something from it and is thus motivated to try again, and second, the failure doesn’t permanently close future doors. With these two factors front and center, how can a parent best help their child deal with failure?

First, kids need time to reflect and receive feedback. The job of the parent is to offer support, not solutions. Use questions to guide your child to reflect on the failure. What did you learn from this? What went right? What went wrong? What can you try differently? 

A University of Virginia study found that sharing examples of failure helps kids understand it is a natural part of every day human actions. It actually strengthens their connection to their community and offered a sense of belonging. So offer examples of how you have failed and – equally important – how you responded to it.

Introduce the RAIN technique. Big Life Journal suggests using this acronym to help your child process failure – and the big emotions associated with it – by connecting mindfulness to resilience.

R – Recognize what is happening – What is going on? How do I feel?

A – Allow life to happen as it is – Let the thoughts and feelings hang even if they are uncomfortable.

I – Investigate with kindness – Why do I feel this way? Is this really true?

N – Non-identification – I am having this thought but I am not this emotion.

Finally, kids need opportunities to practice failing with low stakes activities. Board games and competitive sports are good places for this. Even after failing in a “low stakes” event, guide your child using questioning to help them develop this essential skillset.

Final thoughts

Many parents adopt a “failure-avoiding” parenting style to protect their child’s self-esteem. However, though this comes from a place of love and concern, it actually does way more harm than good. In the short term and long term. As the Children’s Health Council states, “ The older you are the first time you “fall,” the longer the drop and the harder the landing.” 

Help your child develop the life skills of how to handle failure. By learning how to cultivate resiliency, self-sooth, and develop a growth mind set, you are gifting your child a present they will never want to return. And it will be life altering! Because when they do fall, it will not be as far and the landing will be way softer.

If your child struggles with dealing appropriately with failure, please contact Jennifer Disch at Engage the Brain to discover how an Executive Functions coach can help your child develop these essential life skills.