What exactly is self regulation? Why is it so important that children learn this skill? And 5 strategies to help build self-regulation.
One of the best lessons you can learn in life is to master how to remain calm. Calm is a super power. Bruce Lee
Perhaps it is not the sexiest Executive Function (EF) skill, but self-regulation allows all the other more popular EF skills – time management, planning, procrastination, focus, etc. – to function properly.
Self-regulation is defined by the Child Mind Institute as “the ability to manage your emotions and behavior in accordance with the demands of the situation. It includes being able to resist highly emotional reactions to upsetting stimuli, to calm yourself down when you get upset, to adjust to a change in expectations, and to handle frustration without an outburst.”
Clearly children are not expected to be able to do this every single day, at all times (heck, there are many adults that continue to struggle with this critical skill). It truly is a process of developing the skill over time so that your child becomes better and better at self-regulation as they mature through childhood into adolescence and then adulthood.
What is the opposite of regulation? Dysregulated behavior can look differently in different kids: tears, angrily throwing items, a string of inappropriate words (ones that rhyme with hit, truck and bell, just to name a few of the more popular ones), withdraw, and or defiance. Put another way, some kids have a short fuse that immediately detonates when they are presented with an emotional situation. Other kids, seemingly, have a longer fuse and maybe allow multiple negative events to pile up before the proverbial meltdown occurs.
Why children become dysregulated obviously varies from kid to kid, but there are some common causes. And just as importantly, what can parents do to both deter the dysregulation and critically, to build strategies the child can implement when the proverbial fuse does blow?
Common reasons kids become dysregulated
Children of all ages can become upset. But when the emotions overflow to a point where the child loses control of their behavior, they have become dysregulated. Neurodivergent kids tend to struggle even more with this compared to their neurotypical peers.
Here are some common triggers:
Sleep deprivation: CDC reports school age children ought to get 9 to 12 hours of sleep per night. Reality is most are getting less than 7, even fewer on school nights. A tired child simply has less frustration tolerance.
Hunger: When blood sugar levels dip, so can regulation. Ensure your child is eating healthy food at the appropriate times of day. Excessive sugar and caffeine makes stress worse!
Sensory input: Some kids become overwhelmed when noise levels increase or bright lights flash and or are too intense.
Crowded locations: Too many rats in the cage is a common description for a child who feels threatened in large crowds.
Routine change: Sometimes one little change in a typical afternoon routine can set a child off. These unforeseen transitions, such as taking a sibling to the doctor rather than going straight home after school, can create turbulence for some kids.
Excessive screen time: According to the National Institutes of Health, the average child between 8 and 18 years old spends over 7 hours a day in front of screens. This includes for school, video games, television, and all electronics usage. In a perfect world, this number would be around two hours per day.
Undiagnosed mental health condition: If your child seems to “lose it” often, perhaps there is a mental health condition such as depression or anxiety. Consult with your pediatrician if you suspect there may be something more going on.
Clearly these are just a few of the more common reasons a child could become dysregulated, but you know your child best, and determining why this keeps happening is critical before you can begin to address it.
How to help your child with dysregulation
Helping your child manage their regulation begins with a basic anatomy lesson and how their nervous systems operate.
Perhaps the first thing to remember is that our nervous systems run like a car engine. Most of the time it just idles, like having your car’s engine turned on but have it in “Park.” As we experience different situations our nervous system reacts, just like placing the car in “Drive” and pushing down on the accelerator. This activates the sympathetic nervous system, which alerts our flight or flight response. Some “engines” rev high while other’s “engines” just creep slightly higher. Kids with ADHD or ASD can experience big mood swings and feel big emotions, like flooring the gas pedal.
Continuing with the car engine analogy, the brake pedal in the car is the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps us calm down, lowers our heart rate and recover from stress. It is the parasympathetic system your child must learn to target when they become dysregulated.
Like any other skill they have learned, such as how to shoot a basketball or solve a math equation, your child needs to practice how to manage their emotions. This not bad behavior! It is a yet-learned skill!
How?
Co-regulate: You, the parent, must remain calm in order for your child to have a chance to regulate. Even if your child is in the middle of a massive meltdown, you must exhibit control and exude calmness. (Yes, way easier said than done!) This can include more than just words. Non-verbal clues like slow breathing and a relaxed posture can signal all is safe.
Create a calm down space: In your home, create a safe space where your child can go to settle down. Items in the space may include comfy pillows, a weighted blanket, fidget tools, and or a favorite toy. Emphasis should be placed on safe rather than punishment. The goal is for your child to calm down.
Predict challenging situations and plan ahead: Above are listed some common triggers for dysregulation. Perhaps completing math homework problems is a trigger for your child. Offer to sit with them while they complete the first problem to get them going, and then inform the child to complete the rest alone. If frustration bubbles to surface, encourage your child to take a short break then come back to the task.
Scaffold the skills: In other words, practice one step at a time. For example, if your child tends to meltdown when asked to stop playing video games, practice starting and stopping a game. Sit with your child and tell them they may play a game for five minutes, and then we will turn it off. Repeat several times over several days. As they improve, increase the time allowed to play the game.
Tend to the nervous system: Everyone’s fight-flight-freeze system operates at different levels of awareness. One of the best things your child can learn is to how keep their nervous system running at a reasonable rate. How? Journaling can be a powerful way for kids to work through emotions. Meditation or guided meditations can offer some relaxing thoughts to restore the nervous system back to baseline. And of course breathing techniques are simple and effective tools, too. And do not forget the power of yoga and some simple stretching exercises on a mat.
Final thoughts
One of the best predictors of future success is the ability to learn and implement the Executive Functions skills. At the heart of these brain-based skills is the ability to self-regulate. Without this, none of the other, more well-known skills can function, so it serves to reason we need to help our children develop it over time. How? Understand their triggers. What seems to repeatedly set them off? Then form a plan to address the weakness, which starts with co-regulation, your ability to remain calm in the heat of the moment! Practice the techniques when calm, not in the middle of a meltdown. And teach your child to tend to their nervous system on a daily basis.
Some thought leaders in the education field are stating there is a new rendition of the Three R’s. What used to be reading, writing, and arithmetic, is being replaced with regulation, relationships, and resilience. You would be doing your child a massive favor by focusing on and developing these important life skills.
If your child continues to struggle with self-regulation, or any other EF skill, contact Jennifer Disch at Engage the Brain to discover how an Executive Functions coach could teach these critical life skills to your child.