How do you build resilience in children? By communicating and allowing your child to practice falling down in safe, low-risk environments.
Life is hard. And people can debate whether growing up today is more challenging than it was 20, 30 or even 40 years ago. One aspect of childhood that will never change is the presence of adversity and stress. As parents, we want to protect our kids and envelope them in bubble wrap every time they leave the house. This may safeguard them against physical dangers, but what about those invisible stressors such as studying for tests or trying out for a team or a school play?
Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a version of bubble wrap that could protect your kids from all types of trauma and stress? Surprisingly, there is!
And it is called resilience.
What is resilience?
According to the American Psychological Association, “Building resilience—the ability to adapt well to adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress—can help our children manage stress and feelings of anxiety and uncertainty.”
Of course childhood is littered with stressors of all different sizes and magnitudes. And each child’s view of a given situation is different. Confronted with the same problem, one child may see a speed bump while another child glares up at Mt. Everest.
What accounts for these point-of-view differences? Certainly a child’s DNA can contribute, but perhaps more importantly the answer lies in the child’s parents providing opportunities for the child to practice problem solving in safe environments.
Why build resilience?
Building resilience is like providing your child with superhero powers. Anxiety, setbacks, and trauma can be framed appropriately and dealt with in a rational method.
Just as importantly, building resilience in children helps them to overcome obstacles more easily and reduces the chances of their suffering from anxiety or other stress-related disorders later in life.
What parent does not want that?!
How to build resilience
The Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University says, “The single most common factor for children who develop resilience is at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult.”
Among other factors that contribute to developing resiliency are:
- facilitating supportive adult-child relationships
- building a sense of self-efficacy and perceived control
- providing opportunities to strengthen adaptive skills and self-regulatory capacities
To expand on building this critical life-skill in children, Engage the Brain contacted Dr. John Avritt, Robin Coach, and Master Resiliency Trainer and Performance Expert who works with soldiers at Fort Hood in Texas.
Dr. Avritt’s first piece of advice revolves around dinner time. He encourages everyone to put away their phones and devices, and for parents to pose three questions to their kids.
First, what is something everyone did today that made them proud?
Second, what is something everyone appreciates about today?
And third, what is something everyone is looking forward to tomorrow or in the near future?
Dr. Avritt said, “This will help everyone begin to notice the good things in the moment, daily, plus it will help everyone in the house turn off their stress switches before bed, which will promote better sleep.” And he added that it will help with family communication.
In addition to discussing these three questions, Dr. Avritt encourages families to take advantage of “confetti,” what he refers to as unexpected free time during the day. Because we as a society are more efficient than we have ever been – some studies suggest we worked 10% more 20 years ago – we are gifted pockets of time which can come in the form of as little as 10 or 15 extra minutes or sometimes even a whole day. Dr. Avritt says to NOT fill that time with more work! He suggests using the time to enhance your relationship with your child, which reinforces Harvard’s finding as the single most important part of developing resiliency in children.
Other ways to develop resilience
Dr. Avritt reports there are five core competencies that all people need to practice to develop resilience.
1. Building self-awareness
We all have thoughts and reactions to life’s events. Do we have the ability to capture those thoughts, identify what emotions and reactions are being driven by those thoughts, and ask the question, “Are my thoughts helping me or harming me?”
2. Regulation of thoughts
Dr. Avritt says, “If we want to dictate certain emotions, it begins by taking the thoughts we’ve captured and reframing, reinterpreting, or repurposing them for our benefit.” Parents can help with this by constructive conversation and not hijacking a dialogue. There is a common contradiction: parents want their child to problem solve, but when the child fails, the parent is quick to jump in and fix the situation. This can send mixed messages to the child.
3. Connection
Nobody is expected to travel through life alone. Help your child understand the power of relationships and both how to be a helper and how to get help. Model how to be a good listener and how to ask questions. This helps build empathy, compassion, listening skills, and connection to others.
4. Internal strengths
Teach your child to learn and develop an understanding of who they are. It is important that children use their strengths to their advantage and not dwell on who they are not. Parents can help point out their child’s inner strengths and provide concrete examples to back up their point of view.
5. Optimism
We all need to practice recognizing the good that happens to us on a daily basis. Dr. Avritt says that this will counteract human nature’s negativity bias. By engaging in a daily dinnertime conversation and using the three guiding questions listed above, parents can chip away at their child’s potential negative viewpoints and replace them with more resilient thoughts.
Finally, Dr. Avritt implores parents to not be afraid to let their child fall down or fail. “Dictating to our kids how and when to perform is a parent problem, a result of protecting our own egos,” says Dr. Avritt. To be resilient, kids need to experience adversity so they can figure out how to get back up. And if they can’t get back up, then parents can join in and help the child determine the best way to solve the given situation.
Final thoughts
Our lives are littered with stress and anxiety- which come in all shapes and sizes- pretty much on a daily basis. Helping your child build resilience and develop a toolbox full of strategies to help confront these situations is paramount for parents. The research is clear: a supportive parent who provides opportunities to practice problem-solving in low stakes situations helps a child develop this critical skill. Using daily conversations that focus on promoting self-awareness and optimism are essential for your child’s future success.
If you believe your child struggles with stress, anxiety and how to appropriately respond to stressful situations, please contact Jennifer Disch at Engage the Brain to discover how a Learning Specialist could assist your child in developing strategies to build their resilience.