Children who feel connected and a sense of belonging perform better. How do parents develop these critical attributes?

As adults we can reflect back on our childhoods and painfully remember times when we were not included. Perhaps it was in gym class when two captains were picked by the PE teacher to select the teams for that day’s game. One player at a time was called by the captains as the less athletic and/or less popular kids stood on the sideline, gazing downward, awkwardly waiting to be called last – a loud and unuttered message that they were not wanted. 

Or perhaps it was the time a classmate handed out invitations to a birthday party only to exclude some of the class, sending that same message that was sent in gym class that some children are not welcome or accepted. 

Not feeling connected to or having a sense of belonging to school affects many children. In fact, if you walk into the average classroom, one in three students would claim to not feel a sense of belonging. This raises massive concerns. According to Child Watch, not belonging can be linked to feelings of worthlessness, self-doubt, isolation, and sadness. It can affect relationships with others and even grades.

Conversely, students who did feel connected and a sense of belonging tend to perform better. Child Watch shared that “a sense of belonging has been found to help protect children against mental health problems and improve their learning. Children who feel that they belong are happier, more relaxed, and have fewer behavioral problems than others. They are also more motivated and more successful learners.” Furthermore, according to the CDC, connectedness also reduces risk-taking behaviour and violent and antisocial behaviour, as well as the likelihood of emotional problems.

Road blocks to belonging

There are many reasons why a child may not develop a sense of connection or belonging in school. Some common causes include:

Neurodiversity: Children with ADHD, Dyslexia, or Autism Spectrum Disorder often have a difficult time making friends or fitting in.

Low self-esteem: Children who struggle in school often have a poor self-image. This can translate into lack of confidence in social situations and with making friends.

Cliques: Cliques are a part of most middle and high schools social environments. Some students are simply not as adept at navigating these seemingly ruleless and ruthless packs.

Fear of Failure: Some children just do not like to take risks of any size or shape due to the potential perceived negative consequences. This can result in a lonely and disconnected social life.

The benefits of belonging and connection

When children engage with other children it provides opportunities to develop connection and belonging. For most kids these times are during school. The website Raising Children lists three important benefits for children to create a sense of belonging. First and perhaps obviously, it provides opportunities for children to learn about getting along with others. Second, it develops a group of people that children can go to when they need help. And third, it provides a network as your child ages from which they can learn about different jobs, skills, and opportunities in the community.

How do you know if a particular group would be good for your child? ACECQA’s National Education Leader, Rhonda Livingstone lists four traits that make a “sense of community”:

• Belonging: Feeling you are part of the community.

• Influence: Feeling you ‘matter’ and can make a difference.

• Integration and fulfillment of needs: Feeling your needs can be met.

• Shared emotional connection: Feeling of an attachment through shared experience, place or history.

Use these four traits of a positive community when discussing possible school or after school activities with your child. 

Developing belonging and connection

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a popular psychological axiom. It is divided into five levels with the basic or bottom level including physiological needs such as food and shelter; the second level of safety, which includes health and employment; and the third level of love and belonging, which includes friendship, family, and a sense of belonging. The psychological theory is a pyramid stating that the lower levels of human needs must be met before the next level can be achieved. The goal, according to the model, is self-actualization which is desiring to be the best version of one’s self.

Our focus is on Maslow’s third level. Of course as mentioned above, children need opportunities to connect and feel that sense of belonging. Here are some typical places children might look to to find their community with like-minded people.

Sports team: If your child is athletic and is interested in sports, joining a team can provide amazing opportunities to make lasting friendships and quality relationships. Numerous studies reveal that high school students who participated in sports graduated at a higher rate than those who did not compete and had higher grade point averages. Sports also teach valuable life lessons such as accountability, respect for others, and determination.

School band or choir: Encouraging your child to play an instrument or sing in the choir can pay academic dividends. According to a study in Psychology Today, students who participated in music programs had higher standardized test scores than non-participants. And most communities offer after school music programs if the school option does not appeal to your child.

After school clubs: Most schools – elementary, middle and high – offer some selection of after school clubs. They may range from photography to student newspaper to art and even playing board games. By encouraging your child to seek out information about their school’s offerings, it places them with other kids who have a shared interest, raising the chances of forging meaningful friendships. 

Volunteering: Many high schools require community service hours to graduate. Beyond that mandate, volunteering can provide a child with the chance to interact with other like-minded people who share their interests. Most communities have ample options for teens to get involved with agencies such as pet shelters, food banks, and/or the Red Cross. A quick search engine peek should reveal some great options in your community.

Theater: Whether through school or an organization in your community, perhaps your child is a budding thespian. Or maybe they are the more “off-stage” type and would enjoy making sets and props. Either way, joining in with a group of people that have a shared goal is a wonderful way for children to develop friendships and that sense of connection.

Scouts: All levels of Scouting (Cub, Brownie, Boy and Girl) offer great opportunities for your child to develop valuable skills and relationships. As your child works towards certain badges or goals, they are bound to foster friendships with their other den or troop members.

Final Thoughts

Having a true sense of belonging and a connection to a group is critical for children. Kids with these traits develop a sense of armor that helps them through difficult times. Of course school is one of the more important organizations that your child hopefully feels connected to. But there are other options to build this sense of connection with. Whether you have a little linebacker who thrives on the field, a groovy guitarist who jams with other musicians, or a skilled scout embarking on a badge quest, encouraging your child to explore their interests is essential for them to develop a strong sense of connection.

If your child struggles with fitting in and/or feeling like they are not connected to their school or other organizations, please contact Jennifer Disch at Engage the Brain to discover how a Learning Specialist may be able to help.