What exactly is self-esteem? And seven ways to boost it for lasting effect.

Life has many puzzling questions such as: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? or How do you get a job with no experience but, then how do you get experience without a job? The same quizzical paradox can be applied to self-esteem. Do you need self-esteem in order to succeed, or do you need to earn success to foster self-esteem?

The answer to this question can help parents effectively boost their child’s self-esteem. Children who think and learn differently often struggle with self-image and thinking about themselves in a positive way. Even if a child does not have a learning difference, there is a clear and present mental health crisis with today’s youth and many kids’ self-esteem is in desperate need of first aid.

Self-esteem defined

What exactly is self-esteem? Young Minds defines it this way. First, a person feels good about themselves most of the time. Second, they believe in themselves and their qualities and strengths. And finally, they believe they are worthy and deserving of all the good things in life, including love, friends, and wonderful experiences.

Having a healthy self-esteem is important for children for many reasons. Perhaps most critical is that it allows them to cope with mistakes. Failure is a part of life and learning how to deal with it appropriately stems from a positive belief in ourselves. Children with poor self-esteem may let others mistreat them and or may have trouble joining in social activities. Finally, possessing a healthy self-image encourages kids to try new things. It makes school more palatable, knowing one has the ability to tackle potentially challenging concepts.

What causes low self-esteem? 

Of course there is no one single contributing factor that causes low self-esteem. As mentioned above, kids who think and learn differently have often built up scar tissue from repeated failures in school and subsequently develop a poor self-image; they are wounded learners.

Children’s Medical Center attributes low self-esteem in children to their feeling unsupported or criticized by important people in their lives, especially their parents. No parent is perfect, and most if not all will at some point allow a hurtful exchange to take place between themselves and their child. However, a steady stream of critical comments will take their toll.

Another reason children’s self-esteem can suffer is due to academic pressure. As kids reach middle school and high school they become more acutely aware of how they measure up to peers. If that comparison falls short, negative feelings can take seed and grow.

Yet another factor is a chemical imbalance or other underlying health condition, which can cause anxiety and depression. If a parent believes they are doing all the right things and supporting their child, perhaps a discussion with the pediatrician is in order.

Further, Young Minds encourages parents to watch the words they use when labeling their child.  Of course, avoid such terms as naughty, stupid, ugly, bad and weird. When a child makes a mistake, do not criticize. Rather, use it as a teachable moment and help your kid learn how to handle the situation better the next time. And finally, do not put too much pressure on your child to succeed at every single thing they try. Notice when your child tries something that they are not particularly good at and compliment their effort.

Finally, with ever present social media, kids are comparing themselves to their peers more than ever. Many children are not savvy enough to recognize that social media can be a careful curation of the best of someone’s life, which many teenagers are brilliant at producing. Feelings of unworthiness and emptiness can percolate and land as shortcomings, which can foster low self-esteem.

Signs your child is suffering from low self esteem

Parents know their child best. And if something seems off in their mood and or behavior, they may be wrestling with low self-esteem. Your child may:

• say negative things about themselves
• make negative comments about their appearance
• withdraw from social activities
• seem extremely anxious when they make a mistake
• increase complaints about physical ailments including headaches and stomach aches
• change their sleep routine to either more than or less than usual amounts

This is in no way meant to be an exhaustive list nor be conclusive that if a child is exhibiting one or more of these descriptors they are suffering from low self-esteem. But the list certainly is a starting point for a conversation with your kid.

Ways to boost self-esteem

As referenced at the beginning, self-esteem is a tricky concept. One’s self-image typically improves as one’s sense of agency and sense of control take hold. Helping your child find something they are good at is a great place to start, too.

Some research backed approaches include:

• Show unconditional love and support

This is especially important if you suspect your child is suffering with their self-image. Hugs and encouraging words are first aid for the hurting child.

• Help them learn how to fail and to respond to it appropriately

Kids with low self-esteem may feel like the sky is falling if they fail a test. Assist them in adjusting their perspective and how the test is just a score on one set of information. How will they study differently for the next test?

• Give responsibilities that prove successful

Most kids respond well to having chores around the house. Make sure you teach your kid exactly how to complete the task and what success looks like when it is done. For example, if the chore is to keep their bedroom clean and organized, take a picture of a clean version of the room so they know exactly what the expectation is. Support them in the beginning with forming a plan and working in steps. Gradually release full responsibility to your child.

• Identify and challenge negative thought patterns

When you hear your child announce a negative thought, point it out and challenge its validity. If your child is looking at a classmate’s Instagram page and lamenting that your family never travels anywhere, remind your child that your family values time together and the location of that bonding time is not important.

• Foster independence

Developing agency and the belief that their actions do make a difference in their life is critical to building a positive self-image. To that end, provide the necessary structures and support when your child is learning a new skill or taking on a responsibility. Use the classic teaching model of I do – We do – You do to promote independence.

• Mindless/pointless praise can actually do harm

Be surgical with your praise. Focus on effort, not outcomes. Most kids have a razor sharp BS antenna and will know and recognize hollow compliments, which could be internalized as They know I can’t do anything well.

• Encourage them to be kind to themselves

In order for them to be kind to themselves, they must first feel good about themselves. If you hear negative self-talk such as I am so dumb I can’t pass a spelling test, immediately call them out on it. A great conversation starter is: Would you say that to a friend? If not, then we do not say that to ourselves. Repeated negative self-talk and self-berating will take its toll.

Final thoughts

Because so many children are struggling with their mental health, focusing on your child’s self-esteem is a wonderful way to nurture and promote a positive self-image. By being intentional in your praise, teaching your child how to handle failure and to use it as a learning opportunity, and by fostering and promoting independence, you will allow your child’s self-esteem to grow in a lasting and effective way.

If you feel like your child is struggling with their self-image due to academic concerns, please contact Jennifer DIsch at Engage the Brain to discover how a Learning Specialist could help your child learn tools and strategies to become a confident and successful student.